When I met my boyfriend, he was mustache free. He occasionally wore a
five o’clock shadow, which was both dreamy and handsome. The scratchy
kisses weren’t too bad as long as he didn’t leave the stubble for more
than a few days. All in all, my boyfriend was pleased with his facial
hair, and so was I.
However, all of that changed after a fundraising initiative kicked
off the events that would alter my boyfriend’s facial hair for years to
come. The fundraiser focused on raising awareness and money for men’s
health issues (often overshadowed by other long-standing charities and
causes) by having participants grow a mustache for one month.
I was completely behind this one-month mustache because it was in
support of such an amazing cause. Yet, I was not prepared for the
long-term consequences I would face when the one-month mustache quickly
turned into a much more long-term facial hair fiasco.
I realize there is a level of respect achieved when a man
successfully grows facial hair, and that the confidence and manliness
factor attained by such facial hair is positive for any man.
As well, I acknowledge that facial hair kisses succeed in higher
levels of rough-sexiness. However, despite this, there are a few things
that I grew to resent about my boyfriend’s legendary mustache.
The disadvantages of dating a man with a mustache
It was the following particular points that turned me off the facial accessory for good.
#1 Kissing undergoes several changes. Well, I mentioned before
that facial hair could contribute to a higher level of rugged sexiness
while kissing, but the novelty of this wears off extremely fast. The
mustache, and its placement on the upper lip can impact the quality of
your kisses as stray hairs can tickle, poke and scratch at your lips and
skin. As well, depending on the length of the mustache, hair can
actually find its way into your mouth during your make-out sessions.
Over time, the mustache can actually impact your desire to kiss and
fool around, as you know it could lead to a rash on your face *or other
body parts* and loose hairs in the back of your throat. Also, my
boyfriend actually began refusing kisses if it meant possible
destruction of the perfect curl, or smudging that hint of color, which
leads me to the next disadvantage.
#2 Mustaches can be high maintenance. As the growth of my
boyfriend’s mustache continued, so did the ever-growing list of products
and mustache-care techniques and rituals. Did you know there is such a
thing as mustache wax, shampoo, coloring tints and even miniature combs
designed specifically for facial hair styling? Neither did I.
It was not uncommon for me to be waiting for my boyfriend to
perfectly style his mustache before we were able to go for dinner, or
meet our friends for drinks. The obsession with the perfectly styled
mustache resulted in his constant habit of twirling the ends, or pulling
out his miniature mustache comb mid-conversation to straighten up any
loose strands. Maybe it’s because I’m personally a fairly
low-maintenance kind of girl, but this relentless primping and prodding
became too much to handle.
#3 People could perceive your mustached-boyfriend as a pervert.
Mustaches were once only an accessory of pornstars and perverts. So,
people who haven’t jumped on the stylish mustache trend often took a
glaring second look at my boyfriend and his well-groomed facial
I’m not sure if I was over-sensitive to this matter or not. But I’m
certain people really did hold their children tighter and lunch-yard
monitors did send scolding looks across fenced playgrounds. I don’t
particularly like to be associated with perverts, so the fact that my
boyfriend might have been perceived as one was definitely a
#4 Mustaches can cause over-confidence and swollen egos. Over
time, my boyfriend became aware of the fact that he was gaining more
man-credits because of his successful mustache. This promoted a deep
confidence within himself that allowed him to perceive his mustache, and
his general importance greater than those around him. Well,
self-confidence is a completely positive quality but an inflated ego,
stemming from facial hair, is generally unappealing.
#5 Mustaches add at least 10 years. Another disadvantage of my
boyfriend’s mustache was the fact that it caused him to appear about 10
years older than his actual age. Not only was my boyfriend constantly
defending the fact that he was still in his late twenties, I had the
pleasure of being judged for having a “thing” for older men.
#6 The mustache was a gateway for further facial hair additions.
As I mentioned, the mustache was only the beginning. My boyfriend’s
confidence in his mustache growing ability, the onslaught of facial hair
products, and his disregard for hairless kisses led to over one year of
outrageous facial hair experimentation.
There were several adaptations of the mustache, a goatee, a style
actually termed “mutton chops”, and a full on lumberjack beard. Well, my
boyfriend was skilled in the mustache department, he severely lacked in
the beard arena. After six months of desperation to fill in the
patches, he finally surrendered the attempt and settled for the trendy
While these drawbacks of the mustache trend come from personal
experience, I am sure that more than a few of you can relate to my
unfortunate experience with my boyfriend’s facial hair.
Your kisses and hook-ups will change significantly, the amount of
time your boyfriend spends in the mirror will triple, and the potential
for miscalculated pervert status and old age becomes rampant. Possible
over-confidence due to said mustache is also a possibility. Not to
mention you will be dealing with facial hair experimentation for much
longer than you originally predicted.
Perhaps you could compromise on the situation, and if your boyfriend
wants to raise funds for men’s health, or try out a different facial
hair trend, you could draw up a contract that clearly state a few
guidelines. The length of time, style, and causes for dismissal are all
specifics you should agree upon so as not to end up resenting the mighty