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The penis is such a mysterious, magnificent thing. While it can have a
boner, it doesn’t really have any bone in it. And while people can say
some guys think with their dicks, their dicks often seem to really have a
mind of their own.
This elongated lump of skin, muscle, veins, and blood have,
throughout time, given pleasure to all of mankind. Depending on how it
fits in the underpants, the penis can boast a lot of shapes and sizes.
If you’re a lady who has seen your share of schlong, you’ll know that
there’s more to a penis type than just left, right and center. Each has
a different look, feel, and—yes—behavior. They have different ways of
pleasing you, too. Some can take you by surprise, while some can leave
you taken aback *and not in a good way*.
13 types of penises you may come across in bed
The next time you are out with a guy and crawl into bed with him,
come armed with the knowledge of these types of penises so you can be
prepared. You don’t want to be caught off-guard with his pants down, right? *Well, unless it’s really THAT gorgeous…*
#1 The Grower. We all know this as one of the two
most-prominent classifications of the penis. This is the more discreet
type, because you never know just how long and big it can go, unless you
go all the way with the guy. At first it might seem small, but rub it
just a little and it grows 2 to 3 times its flaccid size. Magic!
#2 The Shower. “What? That’s it?” There are those
dicks that seem mighty impressive and imposing even while in pants. You
may have stolen below-the-belt glances at that seemingly well-endowed
officemate, but come Christmas party, you both get raunchy back in his
place, and you find out that’s all there is to it. The shower types are
really showy, but when they get hard, the initial size and length isn’t
any different. [Read: Why so many women get penis envy!]
#3 The Banana. Well, the name is a giveaway. This
kind of monkey pole is shaped and bent just like a banana. They may be
dangling straight out when flaccid, but when they get hard, they bend
down. This may make it appear small, but try it out for size; you might
be surprised by how perfectly it rubs against your clitoris, and even
your G-spot, with every thrust. Be careful doing the doggy, though. You
may end up walking weird afterwards.
#4 The Thor. This penis isn’t all big and ripped
like the comic book hero. We called this penis type Thor because it’s
shaped like a hammer. The head is big and the shaft is small, like a
mushroom *we’ll go with the name “hammer” because it sounds sexier, and
there’s a mushroom penis we’ll tackle later*. This dick is perfect for
touching the entirety of your vaginal walls—and, with shallow thrusts,
#5 The Shroom. The mushroom manhood looks much like
The Thor, but with more, shall we say, exaggerated features. It is
typically smaller in size, and the head is more rounded, like an
umbrella or a mushroom cap. To get the most of this old chap, you’d
better opt for doggy to allow for deeper thrusting, while making the
base gratifyingly rub against your clitoris.
#6 The “C.” Simply put, this cock is shaped like a
“C.” This is a penis that bends to the right when erect. This slight
distortion is due to a disease called Peyronie’s Disease, which is
caused by a plaque forming along the length of the penis. This C-bend
can also be caused by accidents or trauma to the penis. While sex for
the C penis can be painful, spooning and saddling can be highly
satisfying. Fortunately, the vagina can keep the dick straight once
inside. [Read: 11 health related reasons why sex can be really painful for men]
#7 The “S.” Weirder and less common than the “C,” is
the “S” penis. This is a seemingly slithering purple monster, because
it bends to one side and the other in an “S” shape. Despite its
distorted shape, don’t write off this schlong as a freak of nature,
because it may just make you a freak in bed. Depending on him and how he
can make the most of his package, you can achieve “O” due to the
tingling effect this shape brings.
#8 The Chode. Wider than it is long, it is the Danny
DeVito of penises. But don’t be turned off by this stump just yet.
Though it can be very wide and typically stands at 4 to 5 inches, it can
be very pleasurable, as it will satisfactorily fill every nook and
cranny of your vagina. With deep thrusts, you can achieve maximum climax
with this little fellow. Just be sure to have enough lubrication.
[Read: 8 best sex positions for men with tiny penises]
#9 The Pencil. This love rod is, indeed, as straight
as a rod. It appears straight and slim like a pencil. Its head is also
almost the same width as the shaft, making it look very sleek and
elongated. While this can be long, “wide” ladies won’t get much of that
delish friction they need to get off. It can also poke your cervix,
making sex painful. Woman on top and spooning are good positions, but be
careful when doing anal—you might just end up with a stick up your ass.
#10 The Carrot. The Carrot is perhaps the most
desirable penis for women. It is slim in the end and gradually becomes
thick at the base. The head is smaller and the shaft is bigger, forming a
soft triangular shape that gives gradual pleasure to any woman in any
position. Penetration is easy and sleek, but as the stiffy goes in
deeper, the “ooh la la” sensations increase. [Read: The 30 day sex challenge – 30 fun sex positions for 30 nights of fun]
#11 The Angry Wrestler. This penis seems angry when
erect, because it has veins popping out all over it. It looks veiny, but
a sexier way to put it is “angry.” So this angry old chap can turn you
on as you take in the veins lining up its length. There’s something
primal and raw about this member, and you may even feel a slight, yet
surprisingly awesome-feeling, throbbing of the veins inside you, giving
you a subtle vibrating effect.
#12 The Old One. This old chap looks…really old.
This is because it seems to be buried in a droopy robe of foreskin,
making you wonder if it’s erect or flaccid, big or small. As enigmatic
as this withering rod may seem, it can be difficult to find pleasure,
even when the Old One is inside you.
#13 The Woolly Mammoth. If you
remember Mr. Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street, then you know what we’re
talking about. This type of penis should actually be an ancient relic of
penises past, with hygiene and grooming standards significantly more
prominent today than the days of the caveman. This shaggy shag stick can
be quite puzzling—and pungent—as you don’t know where the penis ends
and the balls begin.
[Read: What do women really think about a penis?]
Penises are wonderful. They’re fun to play with, they please us,
tease us, and they get the deed done. They’re also a yummy, toe-curling
reminder that women can make guys do anything. However, despite the
variety, there’s more to sexual satisfaction than a well-endowed pecker.
Guys—and girls—should know well how to make the most of what they’ve
got to get the most pleasure out of a penis.